The nightmare is oh so real; cringing at the thought of having sex or alienating your partner with an endless stream of excuses as to why you can’t (or don’t want to) have sex. Have you ever gone to bed early pretending you are too tired or that you have a headache, or are feeling “hormonal” or not in the mood?
Do you dread the moment your partner throws back the covers and eases into bed, feeling all the more distant even though they are trying to get closer to you?
There is always another way, there is an answer to every problem and every person has the capacity to figure out this complex puzzle we call life. All we need to do is have an image in our minds of what we want, how we want to feel and the inherent belief that we have got this. We all need to focus on what is possible and just like Martin Luther King, who showed he could change the world with the words “I have a dream…”
In my case, my contribution is to provide the missing link to overcome the fear of sex by solving sex problems and emotional connection issues.
"I have a dream, and in that dream, I see the confidence which men and women portray to the external world, mirrored behind their bedroom door."
My own sex life suffered many years ago and this impacted my partner’s ability to achieve a normal sexual relationship. With new knowledge and techniques I now guide men and women out of the darkness I once inhabited into the realization of personal satisfaction.
In this dream, these men and women live with feelings of confidence and anticipation and the joy of a fulfilling sex life rather than constant strain and declining feelings of self worth.
They are secure in their ability to fully function in their relationships and not worried that their partner will leave them because they just can’t feel sexually fulfilled. Feeling constantly humiliated, embarrassed and disappointed before, during, and after sex is no longer a concern.
Navigating Sexual Challenges
In the rough and tumble world we live, it can be a common experience for low libido because of a phobia of being sexually deficient. Rather than deal with their concerns, many pretend that they don’t want sex or avoid sex all together just so they don’t have to yet again relive the feelings of failure.
Of the many clients I help, it is not uncommon for them to have felt burdened by guilt, experienced powerlessness to change their situation or have fears they would be stuck with this handicap forever.
Whether single or in a relationship, going to bed at night feeling inadequate, unlovable and insecure needs to end. No more wondering about having the ability to function normally as a human being; instead feeling totally fulfilled in this important area of life.
In my dream they understand that their previous attempts at sex failed not because of some fault in themselves or their partner, but because they were simply missing some vital knowledge.
Knowledge is power when it is applied for the betterment of others, our planet and ourselves. Yet in this highly technical time when we are feeling overwhelmed with an endless supply of information, the correct knowledge, especially in this still largely misunderstood area of our lives is crucial.
And this new knowledge must be practically applicable in real life situations.
Aligning Your Actions with the Sexual Arousal Scale
Just imagine for a moment how complex this whole thing around sexual intimacy is. To be attracted to each other enough so there is a spark between you, to feel connected by how you think, your experience of the world and your deeper beliefs around what makes you uniquely you.
Then, on top of this you need to actually like each other enough that you want to give each other pleasure, especially in the bedroom.
When all this is in alignment, imagine the complexities of our biology to allow us to remain erect and stimulated during the act of sex.
Our sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems need to be in balance and harmony so that we are able to achieve sexual climax and orgasms whilst having a whole lot of fun in the process, so much so, that we will want to do it again.
The key to all this complexity is simply to correctly balance our focus along the sexual arousal scale so we don’t confuse our brain as to what is wanted. Numerous problems arise that are caused by wrong sexual focus.
Over the years, the majority of my clients being men, primarily needed help solving issues around premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. However more recently, many more female clients have now come forward with issues around not being able to orgasm, inner vaginal dryness and a general lack of libido.
For men, weak erections are often caused by too much focus on the partner, not giving the brain enough arousing signals. Women can often be distracted when they are nearing orgasm, questioning is it, is it, is it... cancelling out the “orgasm program” in her brain.
My dream is that we can all be fearless when entering into new relationships, knowing we have the skills to fulfill a partner sexually. With this knowledge we can boldly reignite a current relationship. We can be courageous in our desire to move forwards together, convinced by our new found abilities to fulfill and be fulfilled.
Living the Dream
I no longer have this dream as over the years the numerous people I have helped have shared with me the dramatic turn-around results in their lives and relationships making my dream come true.
In living my dream I help people realize the order in which their sexual programs must work and that they are confident in their ability to provide a fulfilling emotional as well as sexual connection, for themselves as well as their partner.
Sex needs to be mutually desired by both partners, there needs to be a mutual caring for each other’s happiness and joyful participation as the norm.
Just imagine that sex is no longer a chore or an obligation – an act of duty (to keep the peace) or something you have to endure in a relationship… instead it has become a wondrous game, a shared contribution, which you gladly desire, initiate, encourage and engage in.
Our relationships are just as complex as the way our brain is wired and the components never work in isolation.
You might seem to think you can compartmentalize areas of your life and relationship, however, avoidance in dealing with issues in one area of your life will ultimately affect your relationships and life as a whole.
Relationships are our biggest investment in time and energy and sexual intimacy is an indicator of whether a relationship is working or not. It’s wonderful that I now have the opportunity to see the confidence which men and women portray to the external world, and know that it is mirrored behind their bedroom door.
Whether a previously great relationship has been reduced to a feeling of disconnection and two lives lived separately, or if sexual fulfillment has always been an elusive dream, I wish for this dream to also become your reality... Restoring a fun and fulfilling sex life by following the exact step by step sequence your brain requires to give it to you.
Originally posted by Jacqui Olliver on End the Problem
About MATES Cafe
We are a global online and offline community network helping people of all ages, cultures and ethnicity overcome life challenges such as loneliness, relationship breakdown, anxiety, loss and grief by being there and helping them find new life direction.
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